I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
