How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
