you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
