I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
false alarm. still invincible.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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