I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
