My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
