All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
