The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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