I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
