He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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