you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
