i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
