It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
