Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
