I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize