I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
