I wish my penis had an off switch
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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