I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
