I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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