new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
