Soap is not a condiment
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
These tits shall not be calmed
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
