I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
