She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
