it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Randomize
