swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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