we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
