My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
