hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Randomize
