I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
