I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize