please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
