I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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