When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
