I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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