i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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