I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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