Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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