i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
