And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
