Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
