she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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