It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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