I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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