Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Bring me that man meat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize