who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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