I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
