I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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