I hate your face
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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