I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
