how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
