My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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