It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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