I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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