My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
