Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
