Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The air was thick with penises
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
