Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
