That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
