If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
